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Bad dreams

I hate dreams about infidelity.  HATE them.  Now, this one I had tonight was so painfully obvious: David is having sex with women at work (Pizza Hut, in my dream) to provide food for his family.  Translation?  I'm feeling 'neglected' because David spends so much time and energy at work and we have a baby coming. And there is crap going on at his work, he has to be there and be present...fine.    It is crystal clear.  But still, I hate those dreams. 

David and I broke up for 6 weeks before we got married.  He went and had (reportedly) bad sex with loose women, I got the shit beat out of me by a redneck piece of trash.  David got assaulted, called me and asked me to come over - and I never left.  We both realized that the opposite direction wasn't for us: He needed someone that was stabilizing, I needed someone that cared for me.  It hasn't been perfect at all, but things have been significantly better after that.  There are other factors of course, but neither of us will forget when he saw me with the bruises. 

I know he's not going anywhere.  I know I'm not going anywhere.  Things get rocky when he's stressed, and that's ok.  We need to figure out a better way to deal with that, but at least we know that about each other.  I'm feeling a bit helpless at the moment but this baby will be born soon.  I'll still be helpless in a way, or at least have a babe attached to the breast and another one wrapped around my leg, but I think I will feel a bit more helpful once the baby is on the outside.  

Here I am, two people that I love.  Two people that love me.  Both of whom are stressed.  I'm the nurturer, I take care of people - and I am stuck.  I dislike this greatly.  Maybe I'm learning something...but it sucks.  I just want to feed them, hug them, give 'em an orgasm or two, make it better.  It will get there, but this road has been longer than I'm used to.  (Of course, I've never loved any of my girlfriends before, so this whole thing is an adventure).  Sigh, I'm rambling.  Maybe I'll try to go back to sleep.


I'm not that girl
the girl that checks her phone in the middle of the night
the girl that bites her lips
when she thinks about you.

That girl

I used to be the other girl
The girl that was oblivious
that was busy
and needed
and happy

I'm not sure I'm that girl anymore

Maybe I'm both?
I think I'm neither.  Not that girl, not the person I want to be
Not the person I fear I am

Should be an interesting journey, anyhow.

Mushy Mushy Mushy

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Well, I'm not sure anything is wrong, exactly, but different.  I'm so freaking emotionally charged right now.  I want to cuddle everyone all the time.  I swear I could nurse every kid I see.  If I expect someone to say/do something and they don't - I feel crushed.  It is an uncomfortable feeling, this feeling of super-hormonal-ness.  I feel like other people have power over me.  I don't like that at all.  Idk, I'll be glad when this phase of things is over.  

I fainted today.  Feel like Scarlet or someone.  I didn't hit my head I don't think, but my body is sore from the fall.  Zeus came over and bumped me until I woke up.  Lol, he's Lassie.  I hope it doesn't happen anymore.  I want to be able to drive, the alternative seems like hell.  Part of me wants to not tell the doctor tomorrow, just in case.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Today hasn't been the best day, but certainly not the worst.  I'm in an ok mood, would be great mood, but the hip is sore.  But, you know? - That sort of thing happens sometimes.  No use fretting over my hip.  Someday it won't hurt at all.  Can you imagine?  It has hurt my entire life!  Lol, I won't know my right from my left.  That will be very cool.

Speaking of hips, I think I am going to need to find out the name of the doctor in Austin.  How in the hell am I going to swing a surgery in Austin?!?  I guess Mom will be involved.  It won't happen for a while, but it will be amazing when it does.  I can't even believe there is something else they can do for my hip.  That in itself makes me a wee bit happier today.

We got out and looked at the baby stuff today.  I have a lot of laundry and preparing to do, but I'm excited.  It was nice to look at all of Sebastian's things.  He was such a cute little guy.  I miss him being my baby and am finally starting to really feel the guilt of having another kid.  Oh well, that is what is going to happen.  He'll be happy to have a sibling...he just doesn't know it yet.  I'm getting so excited!  Not really thinking our family will be complete, but getting there anyhow.  We'll see, you never know about these things.

I made lasagna for supper.  It is such a good recipe.  Ate too much of it, but dang it is good.  We'll have plenty of leftovers so maybe David will eat them and not be an ass.  Hell, even if he is an ass, I hope he still eats them.  Trying to remember that he's got a lot of stress right now, that he doesn't feel well, that a refrigerator door fell on him yesterday...  And that I love him.  I just want to be able to have peace in our home for one full day.  It would be awesome.

Writer's Block: The Right to Privacy

Should some parts of celebrities' lives be off-limits to the public, or is giving up privacy a fair price for being famous?
There are celebrities who live very sheltered lives, and celebrities who have everything known about them.  I think it comes down to personality and professionalism, honestly.  A professional actor/athlete/artist will shelter themselves and their families from public scrutiny.  Those in it for the fame will "accidentally" flash their crotch to the cameras.  I like the work of the private celebrities and respect them more.  However, I think that people trying to become famous know the consequences of the career path they have chosen, and that they must then accept some invasion of privacy.

Well, I guess that's something...

Today hasn't been terribly difficult, all things considered, but I'm ready for Sebastian to go to bed.  Tomorrow we will get the baby stuff out of storage.  I'm excited and nervous about it.  What if I thought we had stuff and we don't?  What if all the clothes got wet/are ruined?  I guess we'll see tomorrow. 
I didn't get much done today, but we both survived the day.  I think that is the best expectation I can have sometimes.  I think Sebastian had a good day.  And shoot, if I can help him have a good day, maybe I did do something worth while.  Sure, my floor is now mysteriously sticky, there are dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer, and stuff everywhere.  But that's ok. 

Writer's Block: Confidence Booster

What do you wear to feel confident?
My brain instantly makes this into a trick question.  When I'm truly feeling confident, I tend to wear bright colored comfy clothes.  When I need a pick me up, or am going someplace new and uncomfortable, I tend to need to "look the part."  I will often wear things that show off the ta-ta's a bit, as if I'm relying on the girls to get me through the situation.

  Everything my feminist mind hates. 

The devil on my shoulder just reminded me that I do have some nice boobies, might as well show them off.

LiveJournal virgin

I don't know if I'll get into this.  I don't know if I'll ever come back to this site.  But I do know that there are times that I just want to write.  Don't necessarily want to be public about my musings, just write.  I could just write the old fashioned way, and maybe I'll opt for that.  But there are times that I like to type and write. 
Sometimes I feel so public with my thoughts.  Most of the time, I say what I want to say, and to those whom I think care about what I'm saying.  I have wondered, however, if more people care than I suspected, or if people are just damned nosy on Facebook.  Add in the times in which someone reads my post and takes it personally and I think I just want to hide for a while.  I'm not sure I like blogging/forums/social venues all the time.   Can't I just do my musings all alone?  Idk, sometimes I wonder if we're just a society of ego-maniacs.  Of course I know the answer to that, but I don't exactly like to group myself into that category.  "I'm Afraid of Americans," and all that jazz.
I did the 5 item gratitude list for a while.  I liked that, while I was doing ok.  Maybe I'll do that on facebook, and leave this to more private musings.  I do feel disconnected a lot of the time, emotionally distant from those whom I love.  This might be a way to reach out.  Hmmm, something to think about.